Busting A Snapchat

By Brandt Hamilton on February 26, 2013

The creation of the smart phone has created a whole new world of possibilities for the digital age. We are able to communicate our thoughts instantly, as well as provide glimpses into one another’s lives through picture messaging.

And, just like the many great inventions before it, humans naturally looked for a way to post naked pictures and videos on it.

Snapchat is an app where you can send pictures or videos of yourself for ten seconds or less to other users of the app. After the ten seconds are up, the picture or video is gone forever, creating a perfect resource for people to send his or her undercarriage to loved ones. On paper this is perfect. But, the attention seeking thirteen-year-old in all of us have destroyed what could have been an incredible app.

Statistically speaking, 78 percent of the Snapchats I’ve received since joining the app have been of male genitalia. At this point I think the little ghost at the beginning of the app should be wearing a raincoat with an undone belt. The remaining 22 percent have been of Keystone Lights and closeups of people’s face saying “So Bored.” I have no issue with Snapchat being used for something other than getting nudes from strangers. In fact, I applaud it. My only wish is that I stop getting the same pictures every day.

Here’s a list of better ways to use Snapchat:

1)   Long Distance Charades. One person takes a picture of his or her self acting a movie out, the other person sends inquisitive faces with texts guessing what they think. This accomplishes two things: 1) It still allows you to show off your good hair day if you’re the guesser by showing inquisitive faces. 2) It prevents any unnecessary full frontal male nudity by the actor because they have to act out a movie. Unless of course the movie they pick is a porno. That is a loophole. But if you’re able to guess which specific porno he’s acting out you probably won’t mind anyways.

2)   Passive Aggressively Telling People Not To Buy Outfits: It’s inevitable that Snapchat will be a significant part of your friend’s decision as to whether or not they should buy an outfit. Here’s a scenario. Your girlfriend wants to buy extra high waisted shorts. I’m talking sky high waisted shorts. While you care about this person, there’s no way in hell you want to be seen with someone that constantly looks like they’re in the midst of getting an atomic wedgie. But how do you tell her no without having this become an argument of how you’re just like your father? This face. This is just passive aggressive enough to say that you don’t like something but doesn’t outright say they look awful. If your significant other had to snapchat you to see if something looks good, they probably are having doubts themselves. A shaky hand and passive aggressive answer will steer them in the right direction.

3)   Pretend Your Life Isn’t Pathetic: This works best if you send it to people from your hometown you don’t talk to much anymore. My favorite use of all. The whole point of high school reunions is to prove that you’re not a loser to people you knew ten years ago. Well, thanks to Snapchat, you can start practicing now. Post a picture of a “screenplay” you’re “working on.” Take a picture of attractive strangers and claim they’re your friends. Hell, take a picture of an interesting dog that isn’t yours. They can’t back check you on your Snapchats, and people who do know that you’re not that interesting will never see that you’re lying to your sophomore year crush.

 

I like knowing what kind of cheap alcohol my friends are drinking in a dorm just as much as the next guy, which is not at all. Stop sending me those, and start getting creative. Snapchat that.

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